dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he thought i was a dude.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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