Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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