I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
