Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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