dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
