I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
