Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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