you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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