You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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