the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
