my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
