help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
