Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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