to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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