Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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