There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Sorry about my life...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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