Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
