Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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