so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
