She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
