i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
