Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
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