My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Terrible idea I love it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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