Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
