I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
