Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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