I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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