Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
