Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
