Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
