Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
