FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
