I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
