everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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