Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
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Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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