I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
