I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
