I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
