Who did Billy Mays play for?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
