just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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