Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
