I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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