I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
