If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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