Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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