but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
