my mouth tastes like poor choices
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
