People in love make me want to vomit
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
