so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
