rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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