I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just want to make out with him forever
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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