Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
