just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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