i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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